How about a cocktail, instead? I propose ‘Death in the Afternoon,’ prepared as such: take 1.5 ounces of fine absinthe, add chilled champagne until it attains the proper opalescent milkiness, and garnish with a lemon twist. Drink three to five of these slowly over the course of any given afternoon.

I don’t think context would help me better understand what’s going on here.

Why not?

Giles 2.0?!?!